TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely away from place. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let us have Yet another put where American Adult men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present Everybody a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the venture, replied, "You know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have Trump Tower Damascus filed lawsuits just after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "the place's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have convert-down support."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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